Somewhere between the midnight feedings, the diaper changes, and the endless school runs, something happened.
We became "mom."
And while that identity is beautiful and meaningful, for many of us, it slowly eclipsed everything else. The woman who had dreams, hobbies, friendships, and a sense of self outside of her children—where did she go?
The Identity Shift
When we become mothers, our brains literally change. We're wired to prioritize our children's needs, to be hypervigilant about their safety, to put them first.
This is beautiful and necessary. But it can also be disorienting.
Suddenly, the question "Who are you?" feels impossible to answer without mentioning your children.
Why This Matters
Maintaining a sense of self beyond motherhood isn't selfish—it's essential. Here's why:
For You
- Lower risk of depression and anxiety
- Greater life satisfaction
- Healthier relationships with partners
- More resilience when children inevitably grow up and need you less
For Your Children
- They see a model of a whole, fulfilled woman
- They learn that women can have identities beyond caregiving
- They don't carry the burden of being your sole source of purpose
- They develop healthier expectations for their own future relationships
Signs You've Lost Yourself
- You can't remember the last time you did something just for you
- All your conversations revolve around your kids
- You've abandoned hobbies you once loved
- You feel guilty doing anything that doesn't involve your children
- You don't know how to answer "What do you do for fun?"
Rediscovering Who You Are
1. Revisit Your Pre-Mom Self
What did you love before children? Maybe it was painting, running, reading novels, or traveling. Some of these might not be practical now, but some version of them might be possible.
2. Start Small
You don't need a weekend retreat (though that would be nice). Start with:
- 15 minutes of reading before bed
- A solo walk around the block
- One hobby pursued for an hour weekly
3. Reconnect with Old Friends
Friendships often suffer when we become mothers. Reach out to someone who knew you before kids. That connection can help you remember who you were.
4. Try Something New
Motherhood changes us—and that's okay. Maybe the old you loved clubbing, but the new you would prefer a pottery class. Explore who you are now.
5. Invest in Your Career or Education
If work is part of your identity, protect it. Pursue that certification. Apply for that promotion. Your professional self matters too.
6. Create Non-Negotiable "Me Time"
Put it in your calendar like any other appointment. This isn't selfish—it's maintenance.
The Both/And Approach
This isn't about choosing between being a good mother and being yourself. It's about rejecting that false choice.
You can be:
- A devoted mother AND a person with her own dreams
- Present for your children AND invested in your own growth
- A caregiver AND someone who needs care herself
A Note to Partners
If you're reading this with a partner, know this: Supporting her identity beyond motherhood isn't a favor—it's essential for your family's wellbeing.
Give her time without guilt. Encourage her pursuits. See her as the whole person she is.
The Woman Your Children Need
Your children don't need a martyr who sacrificed everything for them. They need a mother who shows them what it looks like to be a fulfilled, whole human being.
That woman who existed before "mom"? She's still in there. It's time to invite her back.